YOUR SIGN IN 2026
from an unqualified source
If somebody walked up to me and said “I have your future written in this gum wrapper,” I’d probably say no thank you and proceed with my walking route. It’s probably getting kinda chilly anyways— time for me to start heading inside.
I’ve always questioned if I’d want to learn my future. I’ve feared that knowing my future would set it in stone— that my knowledge would cause bias— forcing me to live the predictions into existence. Sorry to be cliche, but I would much rather live in the present so I can at least keep the illusion of control. Maybe I’ve heard one too many time travel paradox stories.
Anywho… I interviewed roughly seven different people who tuned into my astrological expertise last year and it turns out quite a few of those predictions came true.* I have a gift!
It’d be a shame not to use it.
So once again, I’m gonna set aside my fears of future-knowing and life-dissecting. In fact, this year, I’m gonna try even harder…
I’m gonna close my eyes and take a nice long inhale and exhale first.
HUUUUUUUUUUUh HAAAAAAAAAAA
Here we go:
Cancer
Jupiter told me that you’re doing great…for now.
“Cancers are on a journey,” she told me, “Granted, everybody is. But they REALLY are. Phew.”
Promise me you won’t forget to be proud of yourself along the way. Direct communication is easy to learn but difficult to practice! Being vulnerable is hard! And you’ve made tons of progress— especially at work.
You’re still working up the nerves to speak your truth to friends and family. This year, you can expect to see some progress. You’re two pent-up-emotion-driven outbursts away from calm, confident, consistent communication.
But yeah…those outbursts are gonna be rough. Expect many lessons. I won’t give you any spoilers, but I will say: avoid ice cream shops on Fridays. Also, don’t wear green to the supermarket…
Sorry for being hard on you.
Leo
You think you’re done with your journey but you’re definitely not. Duh– most people aren’t. And while I love your self assurance, you are not perfect (although you are pretty close).
You’ve noticed that in all of your friendships, there is a teeny tiny void that’d be filled if you simply asked a few more questions.
You’ve shared many gossipy brunches and fulfilling runs, but you’ve never really learned their favorite color or their most embarrassing childhood memory or what type of animal they wish they could transform into or etc.
You’re becoming aware though! That’s my favorite part about you. You’re already working on it. Just remember to hold yourself accountable.
Avoid Tostitos this summer and avoid Aries the whole year. Something seems spiritually off.
Aries
You will replace your go-to sweatshirt because its ever-expanding rip has grown aesthetically displeasing and frankly, uncomfortable. That doesn’t seem like a big deal on the surface but you’re gonna internalize it. It’s gonna send you spiraling into an existential crisis:
So much has changed so quickly. It’s been a good thing for a while, but now, the discomfort of growing is catching up with you.
You’ll pick up a hobby this year that past versions of you would’ve scoffed at. Maybe you’ll join a volleyball league or an improv troupe— I don’t know— that part’s up to you. By December, you’ll feel more at peace with yourself.
I’m excited for you!
This doesn’t make sense now, but on April 2nd, it will: When you hear the word pretzel, turn your head to the left.
Taurus
The whoosh of Saturns rings; the flap of birds wings, fwoop fwoop. That’s right: Friendship is FLOCKING your way this year! It’ll take the form of either multiple people, or one overbearing person.
I’m excited and scared for you! There will be a whole lotta laughs. Keep them in your pocket for moments of frustration.
It’ll certainly be a challenge— but no match for your strong emotional and social regulations skills. If anybody can manage— it’s you, Taurus. You will end 2026 tired, but proud.
Be prepared for an extreme road trip.
Gemini
I foresee a life changing hairstyle. Seriously, life changing. Crazy because you never expected it. You still don’t believe me, but give it a month… an unusual yearn will take root. In the summertime, it will blossom from your scalp— just you wait.
It’ll become your go-to look. It’ll be different, but don’t worry— it’ll suit you. Anyone who doesn’t agree can leave.
A Libra will open up to you soon. Don’t take it lightly! Welcome them into your world— you know— if they have good vibes.
You will see one of your all-time favorite movies for the first time.
Virgo
You had a lot of fun last year… naughty naughty! I’m sorry— just kidding. You’re allowed to have fun. Sorry again– you definitely don’t need my permission. I’m sorry for overstepping. At this point, I wanna skip this one altogether.
I won’t though:
Your year will be prosperous because each day will be a small victory! Mainly because you will get better at time management.
You've always been ambitious, but this year, your growth will become more measurable. You’ll chart your progress, pen to paper, and that will inspire and motivate you to achieve something you once thought was impossible.
You also become a better pet owner. You’re little Snufflepoo is gonna get sooooo much happier to the point where you feel encouraged to adopt another.
Be prepared for some difficult lessons about pet ownership, work life balance, and…poker?
Libra
You know you need to work on something but you’re even sure where to start. You want to take this up a notch but you don’t even know which knob to turn. Oh no!!!
Don’t worry. Things get hotter! But this time, it’s a blast from the past…
Someone who you haven’t spoken to in 2 years and 7 months is going to attempt to rekindle the flame. You shared some pleasant memories, but they weighed heavy on your spirits. You fizzled out of touch and the question is… will you fizzle back in?! Oh my gosh!
And the answer up to you. You are in control of your narrative. Don’t let me hold you back. Definitely don’t be afraid to turn to your friends for advice. And don’t just ask for advice— absorb it. That’s what friends are there for. Good friends at least.
Also, don’t forget to keep a candy with you on May 8th. Or else…
Scorpio
That’s it! I’m cutting you off for the night!! You’ve done too much reflecting. That’s right: there’s such a thing as too much.
You watch your friends jump in pools or do cartwheels or DJ or whatever and this year you finally decide that it’s time to join the hype. To LET LOOSE. To express yourself and BE FREE!
You’re gonna plan a surprise for someone who hates it. Obviously, nobody is obligated to like surprises. But in this case, the surprise is not the root of the problem. You’ll discover a whole tangle of underlying tensions between you two. Is it worth sitting criss cross applesauce and combing through each knot?Evaluate whether or not this is someone you want to keep in your life.
Mercury is 10 degrees to the left this year, signifying that you will get busy on either Substack or SoundCloud— whichever one you don’t already have…
Sagittarius
The stars are twinkling weaker in the Sagittarius department— in my opinion. Don’t panic! You maintain your zest for life– nothing will ever take that away from you. But you are a little bit tired.
I need you to work on admitting that. Rest is okay. Rest is absolutely necessary! It’s gonna be a slow and steady year for you— don’t forget to embrace the steady. You’ll dive into yourself rather than constantly seeking out something new.
You have that one meal that turns out a little bit off every single time you prepare it and someday this year, when you least expect it, everything will fall into place! When that day comes, make sure you jot down your recipe. That day may come sooner than you expect ;)
Hint: A sprinkle of nutmeg and keep the oven at 375 degrees
Capricorn
15 comets shaped like a heart hint that deep, deep, deep, in that 365 days of 2026 is your 15 minutes of fame. Whatttttttt
Please make sure it’s for something you’re proud of. Also make sure you carry an umbrella with you on August 19th…
In the midst of your many successes don’t forget to check in on the people close to you– they may need a sprinkle of your advice, or honestly, some friendly company. Or maybe… some more than friendly company…
That’s for you to decide.
Haha
Aquarius
You’re good. Here’s twenty more dollars <3
Pisces
Keep going– I know your knee has been bothering you but this is the year things get better. Just remember to stretch/walk/run/rest/medicate/whateverthedoctororwebmdtoldyoutodo. I’m not gonna intervene there. I am no #medicalexpert.
But I do have a pretty good sense for things, and something deep within my liver is telling me: this year you will reach an emotional breakthrough. It’ll come out of nowhere while you’re knee-deep in some mundane chore. Sorry to bring up your knee again.
Just make sure you take a deep breath before you act. Feelings are very real, but that doesn’t mean you shoudn’t take a second to process them before acting. We can all learn a thing or two from you Pisces. Maybe start sharing more with your friends.
Let me know if any of these things end up happening to you. Then I’d have to start charging for subscription lolllll jk jk. Honestly, I’m not even sure that’s the point of the whole ~future knowing~ thing.
Maybe it’s about learning the story in the stars so you can take the lessons you need as you approach each day. Or at the very very very very least, it can be about having a good time maybe.
*untrue
