Perfect for Casual Chitchat

another groundbreaking hypothetical

“Just curious: how would you cook/serve each other?

Kim gives me pot-roast-with-a-side-of-potatoes-fresh-vegetables-and-a-warm-buttered-roll vibes. Kendel would be served as shareable pieces in a classic meal deal— like an Applebee’s Half-Apps situation. KendelBites— buy one, get one…”

…is what I sent to the group chat.

The group chat was a bit critical of me. Thankfully, the question drifted into a somewhat pleasant conversation about food association and personalities. Kim and Kendel are lovely people. We always have a lovely time.

But that didn’t make it okay. I should never have asked such a disquieting question out of the blue. I loooooooove a deep dive. And when it comes to casual chitchat, I sometimes struggle to stay nestled in that valley between distant and intrusive.

Which brings me to my point:

“EWWWWWW, Melody! Your hypotheticals are OBSCURE and UNSETTLING…”

…is what some people have been saying to me.

And you know what??? YOU KNOW WHAT??? Thank you for the criticism. That is totally fair. I want this to be fun for you.

I want to give you something you can ask your family members without raising concerns. I want to give you something you can ask your coworkers without being winced at. I want to give you thought-provoking, character-revealing questions that function as small talk.

So here is a “normal” one. Just in time for the holiday season. Normal, but still fun (I hope). I’m sure you’ll be doing a lot of “mingling,” so I’m sure this will “help.”

Please use it wisely:

(And let me know if I did a good job)

***

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! You just received a very very very special offer. In fact, you are the only person in the world who has received this offer:

Teleportation abilities.

You heard me right: teleportation abilities. You can travel anywhere in the world in an instant! Just snap your fingers and say a destination. Up to three people can join you!

S U P E R H E R O. Or celebrity. Or just keep living your life- with a bonus ability. Infinite travel! It’s whatever you want to make of it. Doesn’t that sound amazing?

I know you’re waiting for the catch. And you don’t have to wait any longer! Here it is:

You must wear a hideous powdered wig 24/7. It’s dry, poorly styled, and a burden to install. You’d be constantly readjusting it. It has a chalky odor and it makes a squeaking sound every time you turn your head— like old car parts.

But hey— it’s lightweight! You can style it by adding small accessories, but that’s pretty much it. No scarves/extra wigs or anything. That wig needs to be in plain sight.

And you have to own it. I don’t wanna hear:

“Just a heads up: I’m forced to wear this wig in order to teleport.”

No. You must embrace that wig as if it were your own choice, and defend it in the face of scrutiny.

Would you accept?

MY answer?

Wig me uppppp.

I’m taking the wig. And with that, I’m taking the ability to go wherever I want in a moment’s notice. I’d become a sensible superhero– an ethical superwoman.

The benefits of unlimited travel are so exciting, it’s hard for me to even question the cosmetic price. As I reflected, I found that this question boiled down to a very simple sentiment: To what extent do I value my image?

Is the humiliation and inconvenience brought on by that dusty white wig worth a life of infinite travels?

Like…YES. I’d be self conscious at first, but I’d be willing to overcome it! Sure, there’s a slight itch, but there are serums for that! For the most part, this wig only impacts people’s perception of me– and that is something I’d be willing to confront.

Don’t like what you see? Look the other way. In fact, don’t even bother. I’ll have *ZAPPED* away in an instant anyways. You’ll hear me and my three friends giggling from another dimension.

Besides, who’s to say I wouldn’t stun the world in my powdered wig? Who’s to say I wouldn’t revolutionize fashion? Personally, I think I could pull it off.

The way I see it, the arrangement would enhance me in two ways:

1. teleportation abilities

2. incredibly heightened sense of self confidence.

But that’s just me.

YOU need to do what works for YOU.

***

This question is FUN. But in terms of chitchat, nothing’s ever gonna beat

“How are you?”

Sometimes people make “surface level chitchat” sound like a detriment to social wellbeing because it’s simple. It certainly can be a detriment. But my cannibalistic group chat encounter led me to realize that not every conversation needs to be riveting discourse.

The teleportation scenario is what you make of it!

It’s a matter of priorities, values, and power. Or, it’s simply a matter of laughing at an absolutely absurd predicament. It all depends on which lens you choose.

Whether it strengthens friendships, or grants you acquaintanceships, it should serve as a pleasant topic of conversation that’s comfortable, but not toooooo comfortable.