The Chicken Wing Test

[it's a little bit mean]

I want you to protect yourself.

Break up with them if they eat chicken wings wrong.

If your friends are weird about chicken wings, drop them. 

Cut them off

Cut them off

Cut them off

If they don’t approach chicken wings responsibly. 

Everybody keeps saying: “You have a weird thing about chicken wings, Melody. STOP.”

And I resent that. And I don’t think it’s weird. But I do have a thing.

I’m an honest person– I can recognize my flaws. And I am 100% sure that my “chicken wing thing” is not one of them. In fact, I’m EXCITED to elaborate: 

I firmly believe that the way you approach a chicken wing is the way you approach life. I can watch you eat a chicken wing and near-perfectly assess your character. Whenever someone enters my life, I test them. I always keep a chicken wing in my pocket— just in case. After all, how are we supposed to navigate the highs and lows of existence if you can’t even navigate a chicken wing?

Is it ethical? Probably not. But I’ll break it down for you anyway:

(It’s okay if you don’t like chicken wings. It’s okay if you can’t/won’t eat chicken wings. Honestly, it means that you’re immune to this particular test. You’re safe! This time…)

There are FOUR brief sections.

SECTION 1: “I PREFER BONELESS WINGS BECAUSE I HATE ART”

How dare you sing a song of “wings” and present me with nuggets. I want better for me and I want better for you.

Chicken wings should provoke thought. The process is intricate. To simply “pop a meatbrick into your mouth” is to destroy the art– to chop off the wings flying you to paradise. Yeah. Take a second to absorb that…wow.

You are limiting yourself. When I see boneless wings, I see Chuck E. Cheese’s. I smell musty bedroom and I feel poorly applied hair gel. Sour gym socks. Uninspiring art. Crusty little white dogs that don’t stop yipping and yipping and yipping and whining. Baby. That is not what a chicken wing should inspire.

SECTION 2: “I SAUCE MY PROBLEMS AWAY”

If your wing is sopping in a mid-to-low-tier sauce, I need you to take a few steps back. You heard me: take a few steps back. Away from me. The same way that by drenching your chicken in sauce, you’ve taken a few steps away from embracing the poultry. 

(There is one exception: it’s Earth’s finest sauce, crafted by a masterful wing shop. But most of the time, that is not the case.)

Frankly, if you like it saucy, you have no morals. You have no values. You don’t think. About anything. You cover up all of your problems with sauce so you don’t need to confront them.

I like the grit of a seasoning particle in my dining experience– the same way I like to confront my issues head-on. I like to beget people who do the same. Oversaucers tend to be hurters.

And I don’t want to get hurt.

:(

SECTION 3: “I’M *THE CHOSEN ONE* BECAUSE I PREFER FLATS”

You’re a genius. You’re different from the others. You’re angsty. You’re an artist. You are profound. Other people take the easy way out, but you LIKE the struggle, right?

If you prefer flats, you are fake deep. You most likely have an individuality complex AND a superiority complex. Adorable! They can keep each other company.

While I prefer drumsticks, I will consume the occasional flat. Because let’s be real– I can be fake deep. I can be needlessly complicated. I told you– I’m honest. We all have our flaws and our taste in chicken wings illustrates them. 

SECTION 4: “I DON’T FINISH MY WINGS AND I DON’T CARE ABOUT LIFE”

Now, I’m in a vulnerable mood. This last layer points to another one of my own flaws: my struggle to live in the moment. 

How thoroughly are you eating each wing? Are you embracing each and every molecule of that once-flapping appendage? Or are you disgracing the chicken that once was?

Cartilage gives me the textural heebiejeebies, so unfortunately I tend to leave that part untouched. And that’s an abomination. And I’m sorry for it.

And that doesn’t stop me from wanting better for the people around me. As I assess you, I better not see even one speck of chompable meat on that bone. CLEAN. Otherwise, I’ll have no choice but to assume that you lack devotion.

Maybe someday I’ll get there… 

Probably not though.

CONCLUSION: 

NOT boneless (not boneless, not boneless, not boneless). It must be dry rubbed or daintily sauced (unless it’s a GOOD sauce– which it’s probably not). Finish it to the bone. That’s how to earn most of my respect. The rest comes from the content of your character. 

I hope it all makes sense to you now. I hope you use this tool to keep your heart safe. Maybe you’ll take notes– maybe not. At the very least, I hope people stop asking me about my “chicken wing thing.” Is it wrong to test people? Yeah. Definitely. But alas.